jakeandamirfandomcom-20200214-history
Hospital/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Amir: (Singing) You're watching Jake and Amir. :Jake: Wow. :Amir: Theme song! :Jake: No. :Amir: So. Episode :(Amir walks into work wearing a bloody hospital gown (with shorts underneath)) :Amir: Another day— :Jake: Go back— :Amir: —at the races lemme finish. :Jake: Go back to the hospital. :Amir: Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather take my chances with the lung murmur, and the spleen thingamajig, and my third and fourth infected nipple. :Jake: That's not intelligent. Sounds like you have a lot of health issues. :Amir: You know what the big issue is? I have a fear of commitment. As in I can't commit—to getting a shot. :Jake: Sounds like you're afraid of getting shots. :Amir: I'm not a pussy! :Jake: You're not intelligent. You have a lot of health issues and you're forgoing treatment. :Amir: Okay, let me put it this way: would you let a doctor buttf**k you? :Jake: That couldn't have— :Amir: Answer the question. :Jake: You're clearly— :Amir: Would you let a doctor buttf**k you? :Jake: Was that happening at your hospital? :Amir: I wasn't gonna take the risk! Okay, that's why I flew over the cuckoo's nest! You're looking at one Get out of Jail Free tard sic. And guess what? This one? It's for real. :Jake: Why tack that on at the end of the sentence? :Amir: What? :Both in unison: This one's for real. :Amir: Yeah, it's for real! :Jake: I was on board with the Get out of Jail Free tard, that was sorta clever. :Amir: Yeah. :Jake: But you didn't get out of jail for free. :Amir: I'm not gonna let some quack in a van hack me up in a can for fifty bucks. No way, that's not me, okay? And this one's for real. :Jake: Tell you what: I'm just gonna know everything you say from now on is gonna be for real. :Amir: It's for real, yeah. :Jake: Yeah, so don't say it anymore. :Amir: Okay. :Jake: I'm not saying you should let somebody hack you up in a van. :Amir: Okay well, Tranlyn comes in with a fricking t— :Jake: Stop, I can already tell you're having Leron's friends operate on you. :Amir: Try not—try not 'perating—or no''perting on me—he's not operating— :'Jake': Yeah I got— :'Amir': —try ''not-perat— :Jake: Time's up, you're not gonna bring the pun home. :Amir: I'm gonna get there, okay! :Jake: You tried— :Amir: I'm gonna nail it! How's that for funny? :Jake: I don't think it would have been funny even if you did nail it. :Amir: I was gonna nail it. :Jake: No, nailing it is like getting it right the first time. :Amir: Right. :Jake: So there's no way you could have nailed it. :Amir: Okay, well I'm sorry I'm not good with wordplay right now, but I'm kinda... I'm bleeding out, man. :Jake: What? :Amir: I faked the anesthesia! Yeah! I blew into the tube instead of sucking in, alright? First sign of a cut I start squealing like a pig in the mud. :Jake: Oh my god. :Amir: I'm down to yell "Gotcha!", but turns out it hurt like a bleach. So the yolk's on me, and this time— :Jake: It's for real. Yeah, okay. :Amir: Exactly right. So I start picking out the IVs, right, squirting blood on the one get well card that I made for myself. How embarrassing is that? Then I leap out of the chair, knock Tranlyn's head together with a nurse's, they're concussed, and I hop out of the van unscathed. :Jake: You're bleeding from so many parts of your body. :Amir: I'm a little bit scathed, okay. But once I get this (Lifts up his gown to show a cut in his side) thing closed up, I'll be fine. :Jake: Oh my god! No! :Amir: What? It's much worse than it looks.